Hey… How Ya Doinnnng?

I lost inspiration for a hot moment, mainly because I got the big sad and lost my job and had to search for something new.

There have been a ton of changes since the last time I wrote… well, anything. My mania is completely under control, but without my manic highs, I struggle with my lows and developing a new creative process. Sure, the low times aren’t as bad as they once were, but they linger longer than before. Yet, I’m still kicking. I’m not suicidal for the first time in my life, and I actually want to live, even though sometimes living is just… depressing.

The new and persistent depression isn’t the only change I’m navigating, though. 

I’m gay. 

Which means I’m no longer in my six-year relationship with a man.

Which means I’m single for the first time in six years. Single and gay, and trying to date women for the first time in a global pandemic. It’s pretty weird.

I also have a brand new office job, once again, after nannying for a while. Honestly, I felt really bad about being a nanny and the fact that I’m not really using my degree for full-time work. 

Oh, I’m also moved back in with my parents to save up in order to move out of NY. 

So, there have been lots of big and scary changes in my life, but I’m pretty happy with where I’m at. All my bills are paid, I’m working, and I’m trying to get back into writing/running DPC. I finally feel like I’m at a place where I can actually work on the projects I want to produce like a podcast and Youtube channel. 

I’m the last person to know about my gayness, everyone else was already well aware of my flaming homosexuality. Which I guess is how it goes--I told my honorary mom that I’m a lesbian and she couldn’t have given two shits. I’m navigating the paradox of realizing that, despite it all, I’m not actually attracted to men. I can find men attractive, but quite frankly the idea of a penis really turns me the hell off, as does the idea of actually having sex with a man. I think I thought I was bisexual because dating men is expected and easy. Men normally make the first move, there are more set roles in dating, roles that I fell into because that’s what society expected.

Now I’m trying to date women, so I’m making the first move and doing things that I really wasn’t doing before. Not to mention it is so difficult to find other queer people, and dating apps are a tragedy. That combined with the fact I’ve never really dated a woman are all throwing me for a loop. 

Anyways, I’m back and I’m gayer than ever and looking to build a queer community, so follow me on Instagram (@jess_nta) if you’re queer too and we can commiserate over our dating lives together.